Homeless by Design

So after getting back my accounting final today (I scored a sub-par 64 of 104)... I decided that perhaps I should just plan my life around being unemployed. And then I thought, hey, why not go all out? I should start prepping now for homelessness. I already have a collection of strange and heavily warn t-shirts from high school that I've been wearing as gym/pj shirts for years now (classy, I know). But what about bedding? Certainly my navy and white geometrically patterned duvet will not do on the streets. Nor will my gloriously rust colored sheets with small eyelets around the seams. They just won't do. But wherever can I get homeless appropriate home goods?

This UK company has me all set up.

So this is a 'cardboard box' patterned duvet. It can be partnered with accompanying pillow cases (as shown), as well as sheets in a lovely stone sidewalk pattern, as seen below.

I can only imagine how bad ass this is to hipster teenagers in England. I mean, what makes passing out drunk and unbathed in your skinny jeans while listening to the Clash show more awesome dedication to the hipster, punk rawk lifestyle? AND some of the profits go to charity! So you can 'keep it real' and give your capitalistic proceeds to the less fortunate. Now you're a green/socially forward thinking hipster. OMG. You will be getting ALL the skinny hippie groupie girls into your homeless dude bed in no time. Fail proof plan really. Every self respecting girl on heroin has been begging to sleep on a fake sidewalk for years now. It's way better than passing out on a real one, I'm sure of it.

I guess I can't judge. It goes to a 'good cause,' which I'm a sucker for, of course. But really? Who did the product design on this? I do also admire that it addresses the quality of the image and print quality saying 'This high quality flat sheet features a photographic print of a pavement. This produces an extremely sharp image that stays flexible because the ink is printed directly in the cotton. The image will stay crisp after frequent washing.' *PHEW* I mean, I plan on washing my homeless person sheets ALL THE TIME. Just like the homeless do. I wouldn't want my cardboard box duvet to fade after I wash out the smell of clove cigarettes and PBR and replace it with the scent of mom's Downy fabric softener and dirty white kid dreadlocks. That would be horrible.

Solution to chronic anemia?

I'm coming out of pseudo-grad-school-induced-hiatus for this one. Seriously. Ever see that really creepy kid in high school who appeared as though they'd never ventured out except to sneak through the woods to their house to play Dungeons and Dragons? Ya, the one with severe vitamin D and K deficiencies... ever think they were a vampire? No? Ok... ever think they WISH they were a vampire? YES!

Of course. Because vampires are the hippest, sexiest things since fake boobs and crop tops in the early 90's and matching poofy bangs and sleeves in the 80's. Vampires, and their blood drinking ways, have grasped America by the throat (perhaps only figuratively... for now).

Now, some logical people might think that it's borderline irresponsible to even humor vampire emulation in adolescents. These people are anti fangs and neck biting and Twilight vampire family incest. But those people are boring. And clearly not going to make huge sums of money from milking (or bleeding) this trend for all it's worth. Luckily, the company who made this was not made of such logical, reasonable, overly conservative folks.


Yup. Blood Energy Potion will be on the market January 2010. You can pre-order this punch flavored blood-replica for $6 a pouch. Blood replica you ask? What does that mean? Oh, just that ingesting this concoction will give you the same 'nutritional' value of real human blood. Protein, iron, electrolites... and the same consistency as blood. Advertised as giving you the "real blood nutrients without that real blood taste!"MMMM just what I was looking for in my next refreshing beverage! Although I honestly can't wait to see middle school bus floors littered with IV bags... I'm sure that won't alert the 'zero tolerance' police at all!

Don't be too alarmed, the company assures me it's not real blood, just synthetic. In case we were worried that Obama's communist dictatorship made the FDA release human blood... we're assured they did not.

Although I can't see myself purchasing this one, you never know. If I'm ever in a vampire costume triathlon, this might be just what I need to get through all that sun exposure. Could come in handy for practical jokes as well.

Because plunging wasn't fun...

So I admit it, I like some good bathroom humor from time to time. I may have the maturity of a 10 year old, but to me, farting is still funny and any story where someone is embarrassed by being accidentally and/or suddenly naked is hilarious. Judge me if you must. 

But this is why THIS thing looks both disgusting and awesome. 

The Johnny Jolter

Ok.... so imagine you have a nice dinner party. Everyone is mingling, socializing, sipping on frou frou drinks and eating teeny weeny quiches and stuffed mushrooms you pretended to make from scratch but really just bought frozen from Trader Joe's. You even may have managed to start having a good time at your own party (which is no small feat, in my opinion). But then a guest approaches you and whispers about a dark, evil, and unfortunate circumstance. The main toilet is clogged. This guest, of course, 'doesn't know who's fault it was' because 'it was like that when [she] went to use it.' But fault is not going to help anyone. The party cannot go on for much longer without a working commode. Only dirty frat parties, and about 2 of every 5 bars in Boston,  can do without proper bathrooms. What do you do?

Well... most people put a giant XXXL tshirt over their cocktail dress, or roll up their oxford sleeves and grab the plunger. It's a gross, smelly and all around unpleasant job, but it must be done. Suction cupping the toilet it is. But what if you had another way? A way that involved a gun like object? This does sound more fun... and you could definitely convince your 10 year old to come down from playing Wii upstairs and try to shoot water at poop (... seriously, it sounds stupid, but you totally know its true. Boys love to shoot things. Especially gross things). 

But I have a few questions. One... why is this ladies' toilet so weird? Does your toilet go straight down??? Ya... mine neither. Two... does it sound like an  incredibly poor idea to anyone else that this product "Draws water into its cylinder" from the said clogged toilet? Uh... gross! Thankfully this last one is remedied because the Johnny Jolter (after you draw in water, and blast down the 'clogging item,' if you will) can be full disassembled for cleaning. 

So... basically you:

1. draw up poo water 

2. shoot poo water forcefully (possibly numerous times)

 and then 

3. get the fun job of washing this thing by hand

 Something tells me if this picture were of, well, an actually clogged toilet, or if it was of step 3, this lady would not be so pleasantly smirking about this process. 

Ya know, as cool as a toilet gun may SOUND... I think I'd rather just put on my XXXL, plunge it, wash my hands and get back to eating my mushy mini quiche. 

If I had an iron, I'd iron my breakfast meats...wait, what?

So, as you may know, I'm a huge proponent of cooking. And I lust after kitchen gadgets like frat dudes on spring break. Seriously, it's bad. My level of resistance to new pans/pots/measuring cups/pizza stones/pot holders/garlic presses (you see the problem here...) is quite low. If I read a blog about a kind of cake, I want to try out making this cake and I must buy the new pan for it. But even I have my limitations and today I found it. 

While perusing Surlatable.com (I was looking at pretty canning jars for storage and cast iron skillets), I found a bacon press. A bacon press? Wait... what? You can iron your bacon? Yes... yes you can. 

Apparently the biggest tragedy in breakfast foods and bacon-added sandwiches is the wrinkles of the bacon. And a regular old grill press (see here ...they use them at restaurants to cook your burgers faster) will not do. No no no. What if we need to cook our bacon and the burger at the same time??? We cannot press them both! And I cannot possibly eat one more sandwich with wrinkly bacon that cracks ununiformly when I bite it. 

Also, clearly bacon needs to be reminded that it used to be a pig. And that now it has been stripped, salted and now pressed into submission as my food. So we like to remind it with a cute little piggy emblem that will sear onto the bacon. Hahaha take that. It's like the waterboarding of meat products - gotta show them who runs this kitchen !

I'd like 3 please. My birthday is July 25th, just in case you didn't already have it highlighted on your calendar. 

Double Trouble in Apartment Hunting

Today is an unconventional ridiculous 'product'. Here's a little back story... so I'm moving to a new city in August (Minneapolis to be exact) and I'm trying to find a place to live. Now, this is awkward for a few reasons. One, I cannot go look at places to live in person. Two, I want to live with a roommate (living by myself is boring/lonely), but again, cannot go up and meet people. So craigslist and phone chats it is. And for the most part people are pretty honest - they want a good roommate as much as I do. But I've found this odd sect of people (*cough* guys) on Craigslist who have decided it's a good idea to combine their dating post with their housing post. 

A few examples: 

$400 Room for rent at my house (Minneapolis)

Date: 2009-04-12, 11:03PM CDT

I have a room for rent in the Cleveland neighborhood of Minneapolis. Its a great neighborhood near the park system and near the busline. Its about a 7 minute drive downtown and $12 cab ride downtown. My house is a 4 bedroom 3 bath. The room is on the 2nd floor.

$400/month includes laundry, Internet, Cable TV, Heat, Water, grabage, and electricity. The house has lots of storage space, remodeled kitchen with stainless steel appliances, a dishwasher, central air conditioning, and a ping pong table.

Room could be furnished if need be.

I have attached some pictures of myself and the place. You can also look me up on facebook. I am an intelligent, ambitious, tall, single male in my late 20s. I work in the IT field and am a real estate broker. I am busy socially and professionally. I like to play basketball and exercise quite frequently. Rent can be month to month if needed.

Let me know if interested. Feel free to reply or call. I am a bit busy, but will respond within 24 hours.

Scott **** (yes, he did put his full name on Craigslist, but I feel wrong reposting that.) 
612-***-**** (again, yup... we could call him for a good time)

• cats are OK - purrr
• dogs are OK - wooof
• Location: Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

So 3 pictures of the house... and one shot of him. Now.... why do i  need to know if he's tall, or single? I am looking for an apartment. Not a bed buddy. If I was looking for someone to share my life with... I probably wouldn't want my own room. Just saying. 

Another option... 

female companion...almost free (mpls)

Date: 2009-04-12, 2:17PM CDT

I am a 30s single liberal male with an extra bdrm. I am looking for a sexy open minded female to join me at my 3 bdrm nicely furnished upper duplex in uptown. The room is available today, and I am open to all possible offers or arrangements. 

• Location: mpls
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Great! This doesn't sound dangerous or stupid at all! No info on the space at all. No pictures of the apartment or the person. No name even. Sounds great - can I movein  tomorrow? Really you're just a live in maid/prostitute in this situation I'm pretty sure. But lastly... man, this is a class act. 

$475 seeking younger stoner female roommate! (South Minny/Richfield) (map)

Date: 2009-04-01, 1:05AM CDT

I have a 2br house to myself. Rent is negotiable. I don't really NEED a roommate, but figured if a cool cat came around that needed a spot, i'd be willing to rent it. I am 27 single, and don't have peeps over much. Not home a lot. Both neighbors are good friends of mine. The house is a duplex, and the neighbor i share walls with is a DJ. So applicant may want to be partial to electro/house music:) To be entirely frank, I have a maid come once a month, and the last time they came they stole some shit. Now I don't have a maid... Not implying that my roomy would take her place, but i'd be willing to deduct rent if that was assured. I'm quite busy and rather lazy. Not gonna lie. Just gonna put it out there for ya. If this seems like something you'd be interested in, email me a lil about yourself and we'll talk. Cheers 

58th at Blaisdell (google map) (yahoo map)

• Location: South Minny/Richfield
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Ya, I'm emailing this dude RIGHT NOW. Uber classy, clearly. And totally my type. Mmmm look at that blue steel pout. And house music? I LOVE house music; that will really help me study for my MBA courses too. To heck with what I said. This is a great way to sell yourself and your home together as a package deal and to shop for other people who see themselves as commodities! I'm posting my listing right now... of course I will include pouting pictures and me in soemthing maid like... perhaps a bikini and apron? I'll have free rent and no self respect in no time! TADA!

Jump, Skip, and Hop... don't do it without help!

Ok, so if you've ever been to the gym with me (*ahem* Jules) and gone to a class where jumping rope is required... you'll know I'm not that coordinated at it. I like to blame it on the length of the rope usually... but it's kind of just that I'm spazzy. I can hop until my face turns blue but trying to coordinate that with my arms some how doesn't go so well. It's really not a huge deal. I just hop in place for that portion.  But a solution exists! It's somewhat like the skipit from way back in the day (see below)

 Here is the new fancy infomercialed... JumpSnap (this one is in the pink package!). 

Soooo basically you get these pink, padded, 'special'  wii remotes/hair brushes/sticks that you hold while you fake jump rope. And you can get training DVD's with them... um... to show you how to jump successfully with things in your hands. I'm guessing they count your jumps/rotations? I didnt' get more than 10 seconds into the silly infomercial on their website before laughing at that poor girl on the treadmill looking miserable. It does tell you that jump roping is why boxers are so fit. Which isn't quite accurate (i'm pretty sure the actual act of boxing does have some input there), but we'll go with it. I also like that they promote how fun these are. As if you can't just jump outside in a puddle and have more fun than holding these and watching a skinny twit in a sports bra instruct you through your tv. Whatever makes people happy - but this does NOT seem worth the 40-100 dollars to just use your legs. It's like buying a stair master when you can just move to the 4th floor. 

Marsupial Momma (or Pouch Papa)

This... this is just an interesting product. It's hitting all the blogs now, so you may have just seen it. But I'm going to cover it anyway because, well, it's a horrible take on a great idea. May I introduce to you... the Peekaru.

 or... 

So in Malawi, women carry their kids (although on their back, not front) in large fabric wraps called chitejes. In fact, this is pretty common all over Africa and traditionally  a very normal way to carry kids in nearly all cultures. I get that. Your arms get tired. I've even seen the front packs for little ones. Hilarious but awesome. My deal here is... why must this a) be fuzzy fleeze. b) be a vest c) be as long as the child?

This has to be extremely hot. And that baby on the left looks terrifying. It's like you've never birthed the kid. It's just peaking out a little window in your belly that now holds a 3 year old. I just don't get why we need all these strange contraptions. For thousands of years we've made a sling out of cloth and been on our merry way. Now we want to be marsupials or something. We're not marsupials. If God wanted us to have a pouch, we would have one (and weird fat flaps when you're obese is NOT what I'm talking about). We dont' need to turn ourselves into furry pouched creatures to love and care for our kids. Stay strong moms - stay human and carry your kids a similar manner. I believe in you... fight those strong marsupial desires and tendencies!